what have I become? I first started this deployment wanting to make a difference; to show christ to at least one of my friends or may be an Iraqi? Now i find myself struggling to seek God on my own. I had no idea Iraq/deployment would be like this...but then again how could I have known? What this deployment has done to me...it worries me. Its like a diesease; I ask myself is it permanent? can I change back to who I was?
...To tell you the truth I am too weak. I do not have the faith to risk my life to befriend an Iraqi nor do I have the compassion. A strong Christian would go out there knowing God will protect him. WWJD? Jesus would go out there and He would teach them parables even if there was a suicide bomber. What do I do when I know i'm weak and I know I won't be changing my ways? Lets say I was to be Christlike, and surround myself with curious iraqis, but i end up getting me or one of my buddies injured or even killed? Because the only thing that would protect me from a suicide vest is distance. or am I just making excuses? Is there a different Christian walk for soliders???
I hope when I do return I can be me again. But is it wrong to want all that knowing that I almost shot a guy a couple weeks ago. That i despise and even hate the Iraqis. is it hyopcritical? Is it okey to go back to who I was and forget Iraq?
To see how much my friend struggles...it's disheartening. But at the same time, it's encouraging in that I know that God is always keeping watch, that God knows what He's doing. How do I know? Well. He hasn't let this soldier go; He hasn't let this soldier go astray. It's good to know that my friend is wrestling with this, and not just submitting to what comes naturally and easiest.
Press on, dear soldier. Press on.
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